Soul sister

I'm not sure how to describe what I'm about to say so I'm just going to wing it. I have never felt so much pain and confusion for something I wasn't directly involved in. My soul sister (you are the only one that reads my blog so this is pretty much to you), I have never been so happy for someone else more than I was for you that Saturday! I had prayed for you for so long! I couldn't have been happier if it was me, actually I think I was happier for you. It was so surreal. When you call that night I couldn't process it and I feel bad now for not being a better friend in your time of need. Since that night I have been so confused and angry. I can't get past the why, you are such a wonderful person and to see you so excited then crushed, it seems like a cruel thing to do to something to someone who deserves a kid. I don't know if letting you read my thoughts is going to be good for you but I had to get them out. My heart aches everyday and I don't think I could have cried anymore if it was my own loss. You are my dearest friend! You love my kids as if they are yours and I will love all your kids with everything I have. I just want you to know your pain is my pain and I'm trying very hard to help you though this. I can't wrap my heart around this and can't understand why this happened so I give it to God and do my best to be here for you! I love you friend!

Needs

To try to describe how I have felt the past couple days would be near impossible! I am very emotional spent and have no idea how to handle this aching loneliness. I would be lying if I said I wasn't codependent and slightly selfish.....I spend all my days seeing to the needs of my two beautiful kids, but lets be honest hardly any of my needs ever get met. I don't mean in a sexual way (although being honest I wouldn't mind a little "coloring") I mean in a emotional and hugs & kisses kinda way. I am a very touchy person, I like physical contact, hugs, kisses, holding hands and not getting that is very hard for me! I knew when I married him that he was a romantic and I accept that when I would kill for a little romance! Just a surpise, sending something in the mail, or even just a letter. But if course I'll process and deal it and be just fine in a couple days! Hopefully this separation thing will be done soon! Until next time.....

10 reasons

I spend a lot of time complaining on here so today we are gonna have a good day! Today you are gonna read about 10 reasons/ events that are memorable for me with my hubby!
1. The day I said I do! I really don't remember much about this day to be honest with you but it is the day I vowed to always love him and to never give up! (which I think is something most ppl do way too easily)
2. The day our babies were born! I have never seen him so excited!
3. His playful and loving nature to ME! (He really isn't like that with anyone but me and our kids)
4. The day of my grandmother's viewing, he drove 2 1/2 hrs after working all day out of town to be with me and then drove 2 1/2 hrs back!
5. He can always make me laugh when I'm in a bad money
6. He told me before we were married that he would never sleep on the couch! No matter if we were mad @ each other, he said it was our bed and he would always sleep in it with me
7. His need and drive to always provide for us
8. His faith in me and us! For awhile I wasn't sure we could make it, but he knew
9. Seeing him for the first time after his deployment and the first thing he does is take our son out of my hands!
And last but not least,
10. That everyday, no matter the distance, I know without a doubt his unending love for me

That is what the last almost 11have added up to. There of course is more but we'll stick to 10!

Some days

I always miss him! Some days it feels like someone tore my heart, like it is literally breaking. We've never been apart this long, its like he is never coming back. My sweet little children are suffering as well. My son is permanently attached to me because he is afarid that I'll abandoned him too. It breaks me to see him cry after me when I leave. Now I know his daddy didn't abandon him but all he knows is that daddy isn't there at the end of the day and he love his daddy! Some days everything reminds me that I'm alone! Driving the car, getting myself and the kids ready, my baby laughing at me, my son wanting to wrestle, and my half empty bed at night! Today is one of those days!

Have no idea

I feel so alone, so abandoned, so confused......I need this separation to be over! I can't take this loneliness much longer.

I can't even begin to imagine

Last week a friend, who was 24 weeks pregnant, had to have an emergency c-section. Long story short, the poor sweet baby didn't make it. Needless to say it was a big shock and very upsetting. As I'm sitting here looking at the sweet baby in front of me, I can't imagine how devastating it would be to lose a child especially after having that child with you for so long. To feel it move and its heartbeat .... After a certain part in your pregnancy you tend to think you are safe, that everything will be ok until its time so to have it all taken away is so far beyond my understanding! They are much stronger than me! ........which is the way I feel everytime Michael has to leave, leaving my kids seems impossible and he does it all the time. So I guess the lesson would be to always appreciate what u have!

Only a couple more months! Hopefully!

<p>It has slowly been getting harder to do this by myself. I don't mean because of my kids because they are great! But everyday I feel like I'm getting a little sadder, a little more depressed. Many days I don't have an adult interaction except over the phone and most of the time its really lonely. I feel I am repeating myself and whining a lot  and for the I am sorry! It just sucks to be alone from someone who means so much to you! His company said he will be done in August but they have changed their minds before so I can only hope he will be back soon! I need a partner in this crazy life, my love to experience all wonderfully beautiful moments that happen in my day with our amazing kids! Hurry up August!

Return to the airport

<p>It's 8:23pm and Michael's plane is about to take off! I'm still can't decide if this gets hard or a little easier everytime....I guess it will always be painful. But he was here for mikey's birthday party and lily's first Easter so I guess that's all that really matters. Today before he left we went and got matching green m tattoos! Now I know that tattoos aren't some peoples thing but I like them and my husband loves them! When we got married, we got married forever! So like these tattoos are our marriage is permanent! I always said I would never tattoo anybodys name on me and I haven't! Both our names start with a M and our last name is Green so we got green m's........I love them! He is my other half and I think it meant a lot to him too. So says goodbye might suck but he seeing for a few days made it worth the pain!

Cancer sucks!

If you really know me, you know I don't publicly cry. Not at weddings, births, or funerals! I can't tell you why, I just don't. If you know me you also know I loved my nanny very much! She was so amazing and never let there be a quiet moment. She loved you for who you were and tried to see the best in everyone, even those in my family that I'd just as soon never talk to again and don't usually...Almost two years ago breast cancer stole her from me, from all of us! It was mother's day which I feels fits right since she was an awesome mom/grandmother! But what I will always remember was the last time I saw her as herself! Her body was shutting down and most days she really didn't know who we were but the Tuesday before she died we went to see her and she was disoriented but knew us by name. We all talked to her and then my grandfather, who is the sweetest, quietest man i know, sat next to her and she asked him where he'd been...that she had missed him! I started to slowly break because in her not so good days she thought he wasn't there even though he was never more than a few feet away. He told her he never left and would always be with her, he never cried to her that i could see...he didn't want to upset her but that shook me so bad! To be with someone for so long to lose them @ 69 to something as harsh as cancer! I can only hope my love with my husband is like theirs was/is! Everytime I hear that song by Craig Morgan "this ain't nothing" i think of them and i break a little! So as another year comes up without her and I have since had my daughter, I look at her (especially when she smiles cause she looks just like her) I think to myself how much her nanny would have loved her and spoiled her! So I will continue to fight the fight for her and my aunt! I will walk the walks, will buy the stuff, and will wear the ribbons because one day i hope someone doesn't have to experience her pain! To sum this all up CANCER SUCKS!

Judging the judge

I hate being judged, who doesn't...As i'm driving down the square I see this man with a bald head except for a section @ his crown where he has a ponytail and I automatically think he's freaky looking! I starting thinking about how hypocritical that is of me....just because he does his own thing and isn't afraid of what people think of him! I realize it boils down to i'm jealous that he doesn't care. To be so sure of yourself takes alot of work and I aspire to be that self assured! So I have decided to work on not be so judgmental and my own self esteem! Next time I say they shouldn't judge, I will think about the ppl I have judged that day and mental slap my self on the wrist!

Less than 2 weeks

<p>;Friday I purchased my husband's ticket from rhode island to atl for Easter weekend and I am extremely excited for him to come home! It has been so hard for me this time around....when he was in iraq it was just me than it was Mikey and I. I don't know if its because now i have two and its alot harder or its just that the longer we are together, the harder it is to be apart. I have no delusions that i'm co-dependent, sometimes i think i'm gonna go crazy without him here! It's amazing to me that I love him more than i did several years ago, I didn't think it was possible! I can't imagine ever loving anyone but him! In less than 2 weeks i'll be picking him up airport and i can't be any more excited!

Missing it

First of all let me say I love my kids! They are a blessing and the most amazing gift fromGod! It's  not that i dont get overwhelmed sometimes becuase i do and its not that i miss my husband, which i do.....it's when my daughter smiles or laughs or when my son makes me laugh, my first thought isn't how precious my kids are, it's how much their daddy would have loved to have been here for that! My 4 yr old understands and loves his daddy very much! it hurt me severly when he tells me he misses his daddy and wishes he was here. The last time my husband was home was when my daughter was home, he left when she was a week old and she is 2 months old now! He misses so much!.....This isn't the first time i've been without my husband, he missed our sonls birth because he was in iraq. Sometimes the loneliness id almost unbearable, most ppl can't begin to understand this unless they have had to be without their spouse for an extended amount of time, but you do what you have to do to survive and support your family! So for now i'm excitedly awaiting his return to us for easter and our son's bday! Even if it is just for a weekend, at least  for those few days he will get to hold our baby and our son will get his pillow fighting buddy back!

where it all began..

a little bit of background might help make some sense of everything. l'm just about 25 and lived a perfectly easy life, sure i've had some rough times but its all been pretty good compared to what some people go through in a lifetime. i met my now husband when i was 14 and he was 16 and have been married for just over 4 yrs now, he  and our kids are what make my day bearable some days! Our kids  are my world, i stay at home with them so the are literally what i do. My little boy is 4 and so smart and sweet and loves his little sister who is just about 2 months old! My husband works on golf carts and travels to do it so physically i'm at single mom most of the times which can pretty rough but he is providing for us  so we survive though it. I love my familly and my friends, and an awesome church family! I don't know how ppl do it without a support system! I started this blog mainly to get feelings and thoughts out because I don't like to bother ppl with my problems and donlt like sharing my emotions! There are so many ppl that have problems worse then mine  so i suck it up and deal.....at least in public. ....until now