Cancer sucks!

If you really know me, you know I don't publicly cry. Not at weddings, births, or funerals! I can't tell you why, I just don't. If you know me you also know I loved my nanny very much! She was so amazing and never let there be a quiet moment. She loved you for who you were and tried to see the best in everyone, even those in my family that I'd just as soon never talk to again and don't usually...Almost two years ago breast cancer stole her from me, from all of us! It was mother's day which I feels fits right since she was an awesome mom/grandmother! But what I will always remember was the last time I saw her as herself! Her body was shutting down and most days she really didn't know who we were but the Tuesday before she died we went to see her and she was disoriented but knew us by name. We all talked to her and then my grandfather, who is the sweetest, quietest man i know, sat next to her and she asked him where he'd been...that she had missed him! I started to slowly break because in her not so good days she thought he wasn't there even though he was never more than a few feet away. He told her he never left and would always be with her, he never cried to her that i could see...he didn't want to upset her but that shook me so bad! To be with someone for so long to lose them @ 69 to something as harsh as cancer! I can only hope my love with my husband is like theirs was/is! Everytime I hear that song by Craig Morgan "this ain't nothing" i think of them and i break a little! So as another year comes up without her and I have since had my daughter, I look at her (especially when she smiles cause she looks just like her) I think to myself how much her nanny would have loved her and spoiled her! So I will continue to fight the fight for her and my aunt! I will walk the walks, will buy the stuff, and will wear the ribbons because one day i hope someone doesn't have to experience her pain! To sum this all up CANCER SUCKS!

Judging the judge

I hate being judged, who doesn't...As i'm driving down the square I see this man with a bald head except for a section @ his crown where he has a ponytail and I automatically think he's freaky looking! I starting thinking about how hypocritical that is of me....just because he does his own thing and isn't afraid of what people think of him! I realize it boils down to i'm jealous that he doesn't care. To be so sure of yourself takes alot of work and I aspire to be that self assured! So I have decided to work on not be so judgmental and my own self esteem! Next time I say they shouldn't judge, I will think about the ppl I have judged that day and mental slap my self on the wrist!

Less than 2 weeks

<p>;Friday I purchased my husband's ticket from rhode island to atl for Easter weekend and I am extremely excited for him to come home! It has been so hard for me this time around....when he was in iraq it was just me than it was Mikey and I. I don't know if its because now i have two and its alot harder or its just that the longer we are together, the harder it is to be apart. I have no delusions that i'm co-dependent, sometimes i think i'm gonna go crazy without him here! It's amazing to me that I love him more than i did several years ago, I didn't think it was possible! I can't imagine ever loving anyone but him! In less than 2 weeks i'll be picking him up airport and i can't be any more excited!

Missing it

First of all let me say I love my kids! They are a blessing and the most amazing gift fromGod! It's  not that i dont get overwhelmed sometimes becuase i do and its not that i miss my husband, which i do.....it's when my daughter smiles or laughs or when my son makes me laugh, my first thought isn't how precious my kids are, it's how much their daddy would have loved to have been here for that! My 4 yr old understands and loves his daddy very much! it hurt me severly when he tells me he misses his daddy and wishes he was here. The last time my husband was home was when my daughter was home, he left when she was a week old and she is 2 months old now! He misses so much!.....This isn't the first time i've been without my husband, he missed our sonls birth because he was in iraq. Sometimes the loneliness id almost unbearable, most ppl can't begin to understand this unless they have had to be without their spouse for an extended amount of time, but you do what you have to do to survive and support your family! So for now i'm excitedly awaiting his return to us for easter and our son's bday! Even if it is just for a weekend, at least  for those few days he will get to hold our baby and our son will get his pillow fighting buddy back!

where it all began..

a little bit of background might help make some sense of everything. l'm just about 25 and lived a perfectly easy life, sure i've had some rough times but its all been pretty good compared to what some people go through in a lifetime. i met my now husband when i was 14 and he was 16 and have been married for just over 4 yrs now, he  and our kids are what make my day bearable some days! Our kids  are my world, i stay at home with them so the are literally what i do. My little boy is 4 and so smart and sweet and loves his little sister who is just about 2 months old! My husband works on golf carts and travels to do it so physically i'm at single mom most of the times which can pretty rough but he is providing for us  so we survive though it. I love my familly and my friends, and an awesome church family! I don't know how ppl do it without a support system! I started this blog mainly to get feelings and thoughts out because I don't like to bother ppl with my problems and donlt like sharing my emotions! There are so many ppl that have problems worse then mine  so i suck it up and deal.....at least in public. ....until now