marriage gone wrong

A lot of marriages end divorce, it's normal! it got too hard or you fought too much why not just end it, right? Most people would agree, no one would think less of you, that's what our way of thinking has come to. It's not working then get out!  I just can't understand!  My husband makes me crazy sometimes, as I'm sure sometimes he would rather be any where besides listening to me nag at him but when we got married it was not till things got too tough or until he starts getting on my nerves, it was for life! marriage is a very permanent thing and should be treated as such. There is nothing I think that can't be worked through if you really and truly love someone(aside abuse) and to see ppl treat it as no more than a piece of paper instead of the living thing it is totally baffles me! It is a verb not a noun, you have to work at it every day and if that's too much then you should have never gotten married to begin with!

Ok, sorry for the rant! *climbs down off soap box*

drowning

Well Michael has been home almost 8 months now and I feel like I am drowning! I still don't work and can't figure out a way to work and make any money if I have to pay for daycare. I love my husband but I don't think he can handle the kids at night by his self every night for me to work at night again and I really don't want to because I would never see him or mikey. I don't know what to do, the rent lady is getting tired of working with us and I can't blame her. I don't know what to do, I cried for close to an hour because I feel so helpless, like I don't do anything. Michael had an interview yesterday for three different positions at yahama, hopefully he'll get one and at least get a pay increase....this blog really doesn't make a lot of sense or really have a conclusion but I just needed to get this out....thanks for listening!

5 years

On the 23rd I celebrated 5 years with my awesome husband! 5 years, it seems like so much longer....we have been through so much in our time. Most people thinks he is crazy and horribly outspoken but he let's me be me and laughs at the stupid things that I say. He knows my pain and my joy, he is my soul, he makes me feel beautiful and special. It hasn't always been easy, he can be a major pain in the rump sometimes, he has done things that, for most ppl, would be a deal breaker but I always saw the man he is now. The man who tells me I'm amazing when our house looks like a hot mess, who loves our awesome kids with everything he has, who calls me on the bull and then try to tell me some of his own, who always has a story for everything (even if he made it up), the man who works his butt off at his job and never once nagged me about getting one. He is not always popular with others but he is amazing, loving, and funny!  we didn't  spend our anniversary date night at the bar or out partying but we ate steak n shake pulling the alphabet game while the kids were at my mom's house and that's just us and how we are and I like it that way!

Soul sister

I'm not sure how to describe what I'm about to say so I'm just going to wing it. I have never felt so much pain and confusion for something I wasn't directly involved in. My soul sister (you are the only one that reads my blog so this is pretty much to you), I have never been so happy for someone else more than I was for you that Saturday! I had prayed for you for so long! I couldn't have been happier if it was me, actually I think I was happier for you. It was so surreal. When you call that night I couldn't process it and I feel bad now for not being a better friend in your time of need. Since that night I have been so confused and angry. I can't get past the why, you are such a wonderful person and to see you so excited then crushed, it seems like a cruel thing to do to something to someone who deserves a kid. I don't know if letting you read my thoughts is going to be good for you but I had to get them out. My heart aches everyday and I don't think I could have cried anymore if it was my own loss. You are my dearest friend! You love my kids as if they are yours and I will love all your kids with everything I have. I just want you to know your pain is my pain and I'm trying very hard to help you though this. I can't wrap my heart around this and can't understand why this happened so I give it to God and do my best to be here for you! I love you friend!

Needs

To try to describe how I have felt the past couple days would be near impossible! I am very emotional spent and have no idea how to handle this aching loneliness. I would be lying if I said I wasn't codependent and slightly selfish.....I spend all my days seeing to the needs of my two beautiful kids, but lets be honest hardly any of my needs ever get met. I don't mean in a sexual way (although being honest I wouldn't mind a little "coloring") I mean in a emotional and hugs & kisses kinda way. I am a very touchy person, I like physical contact, hugs, kisses, holding hands and not getting that is very hard for me! I knew when I married him that he was a romantic and I accept that when I would kill for a little romance! Just a surpise, sending something in the mail, or even just a letter. But if course I'll process and deal it and be just fine in a couple days! Hopefully this separation thing will be done soon! Until next time.....

10 reasons

I spend a lot of time complaining on here so today we are gonna have a good day! Today you are gonna read about 10 reasons/ events that are memorable for me with my hubby!
1. The day I said I do! I really don't remember much about this day to be honest with you but it is the day I vowed to always love him and to never give up! (which I think is something most ppl do way too easily)
2. The day our babies were born! I have never seen him so excited!
3. His playful and loving nature to ME! (He really isn't like that with anyone but me and our kids)
4. The day of my grandmother's viewing, he drove 2 1/2 hrs after working all day out of town to be with me and then drove 2 1/2 hrs back!
5. He can always make me laugh when I'm in a bad money
6. He told me before we were married that he would never sleep on the couch! No matter if we were mad @ each other, he said it was our bed and he would always sleep in it with me
7. His need and drive to always provide for us
8. His faith in me and us! For awhile I wasn't sure we could make it, but he knew
9. Seeing him for the first time after his deployment and the first thing he does is take our son out of my hands!
And last but not least,
10. That everyday, no matter the distance, I know without a doubt his unending love for me

That is what the last almost 11have added up to. There of course is more but we'll stick to 10!

Some days

I always miss him! Some days it feels like someone tore my heart, like it is literally breaking. We've never been apart this long, its like he is never coming back. My sweet little children are suffering as well. My son is permanently attached to me because he is afarid that I'll abandoned him too. It breaks me to see him cry after me when I leave. Now I know his daddy didn't abandon him but all he knows is that daddy isn't there at the end of the day and he love his daddy! Some days everything reminds me that I'm alone! Driving the car, getting myself and the kids ready, my baby laughing at me, my son wanting to wrestle, and my half empty bed at night! Today is one of those days!